Close your eyes.....

Where am I...

Strange how we walk the same road...

We see the same sights..

Touch.. Feel...

But no... We never take note...

Never see the beauty before us...

Close your eyes... Name 10 things about me that stand out...

I can.. But with difficulty..

Seeing you with my eyes closed hurts...

The awe I feel.. Emptiness I'm greeted with...

I so long to have that.. Feel that..

Open my eyes and there you are..

Reach out and am greeted with the feel of you..

Your distinct smell..

The sound of your heart .. I hear.. I feel..

We can all dream of a new start...

But close your eyes..

The road is longer than the memories in my darkness...

On saying I was wrong,,,

Do we ever give in...

ever say we wrong...

Well I am.. I was wrong.. 

I hurt without knowing... 

Without intention...

It's hard to admit and harder to accept..

Yet I did it and no excuses.. No amount of Sorries will change what was done..

I can ask for forgiveness.. I know I can...

But could you try... Even once...

I take on a journey to right the wrongs..

18 years have past.. Need the clarity.. The cleansing...

Believe what you like..

Call me what you like...

Fix me I shall.. 

Does anyone know the depths of sorrow..

How one hides it.. Then the anger.. Not that anyone cared..

Some tried.. Some offered pieces.. Gave insight..

But who can see inside.. Fix inside..

Maybe easier from somebody who doesn't know me..

Someone with an outsiders objective view..

All I want is to know what happened.. Where was I before..

I don't remember ... And it's that deep sorrow that drives me forward..

But I can't slow down...

I need to find the brakes... The connection as to the cruel intent..

It's hidden now.. But can be found...

The chasm that holds the links I so sought and needed to exist..

Find them and I find me...

To you my dearest friend who sought to say I need to find them..

To you I bend in sorrow and guilt..

Forgive me is all I ask...

I will find me.. Find who I once was.. And will account for the past... Atone for the hurt...

Unchaining the past...

I met you amid the turmoil in my life..

A flame about you...

Long flowing.. Taught...

Dazzled me.. Drew me in..

Your marks supporting my suspicion ..

A Dragon.. Fire breather.. Stunning..

Yet in the depths of the fire the soft core..

The hardened exterior.. A heart like silk..

One that had seen battle and taken every possible blow..

I got to know that heart.. Felt it.. Held it... Never squeezed ...

Little by little I got to know you..

Not every detail..

You fought bravely.. 

Never giving up.. Never will..

You shimmer.. your brilliance illuminates my smile.. 

I remember your details.. Trace those lines.. 

Smile at every instance..

Cry at betrayal..

Cry for harshness..

Scorn because of frustration..

Often lay awake and wonder at how.. Where..

How do I justify... I can't

Where do I start.. 

You seen it all.. Had it all.. Experienced it..

How does a human love one such as you

You say we are different..

No denying.. We are

Stubborn .. We all are.. It is who we are..

This is the start of a series I am working on...

Radiance of the Fire Dragon ...

I will write this plainly now...

The depth will follow

I was deaf and never saw...

How do I fix this...
The hurt.. the pain...

Self loathing for events...

I never took the time..
I was too self absorbed...
Your words unheard..
Pain unseen..

Life events happen..
Don't judge too quick...

History does not always repeat itself...

Hearts got broken..For this I am sorry..
I hang my head in shame..
I cannot change this.. It happened...
Forgive not forget...Yes..

I know I substitute for being lonely...
This I did..
I can't explain.. There are no words..

I can't feel empty..
I feel the crush...
Yours I know is greater...
But past it is... And past it went...

I go down on my knees and cry... tears... pain...Flooding..

I feel no peace...

Just deep silence... my soul... my heart... Gone... gone ... gone

My next blogs will be moving... A tale to the sadness... Meeting the dragon...

It's just me

I'm not very good at paying attention...

Not very good at remembering things you say....

I'm not very good at pursuing  redemption..

Not very good at concealing the hand that I play...

Always been the way I am...

I'll never change..

Not again...

I was never this way...

Circumstances.. Fate... Readjusted me...

I lost the ability... Was taught... Cruel ..twisted... 

Why reprogram me .. Mold me... 

This wasn't me..

I don't remember me..

Don't remember you... Tears don't hold memories... Sadness yes...

Lost you.. The memories.. Tormented.. Haunted...

Maybe I blocked you out.. Hid.. 

I look now and it's gone... Miss you so much... 

We lost.. You lost... Gone... And time has stolen the last of you...

Now I'm just trying to get to you...

Failing... Can't find you ... Gone...

One thought... One word..

Who decided you had to fly away...

Now my memory is gone... Or just misplaced 

Searching... Will find me too..

Who knows... Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place

... I write this as I feel it.. Has been years of trying to find lost memories.. Clutching an ember and waiting for the fire.. The warmth that may hold the missing pieces.. I lost a lot.. But the worst is the ability to retain thoughts.. Remember instances...

I'm sorry you don't understand the effect and see it differently.. 

I always said sorry, cause I was at that moment..

Forgive me ... Just needed reminding.. 

Understanding where I went wrong...

Read your words...
Felt the pain... Saw the hurt..
None meant.. Was fighting...
Fighting to keep you.. Hurt you..

I was wrong... God Lisa how wrong...

You showed me.. I read it..
Cried... Cried ... Cried
Your beautiful face I remember...
But the tears I caused... The loud noise.. My fault...
All I wanted was you...
Was fighting for you...
Not at you..
Would choose to do it beside you... Never ... Never... Never at you..
No malice... No hurt..
I would protect you... Not hurt you

I hang my head in shame...
Bow to you so you don't see my eyes...
See the pain... Remorse... Never see my tears... They burn like acid... I will never let them burn you...

Love you... Miss you... No hate... Nothing... Nothing ... Nothing...

Faded images ... Hurt you...

... Moving past images...

He sits alone again...

Looks for what is missing...

Can't place the thoughts..

This place I see doesn't look familiar..

Wander if it looks the same inside...

The corner I used to sit on..

.. The road I walked down in the rain..

The star I used to wish on...

... All fading images...

Nothing's getting clearer

... I see your face...

Vague... Washed out by the light...

.. I have to speak...

... I have so much to say..

.. No words, thoughts don't make sense..

... I should just keep quiet...

 Never needed anyone to help me...

Now begging you..

Come save me from myself..

Whispering... Shouting...

 Not clear.. Blinded...

I hear you talk about your family life...

Wish I understood what that means...

Just like giving flowers.. Who knows the meaning...

Who defines the control...

Don't know what I'm thinking...

Divided.. Waves can wash it all away...

Just to scared to go into the water...

Doesn't make sense to go there...

No control..

Can't control waves...

Afraid of the freedom to choose...

Images cracked.. Does it change the views...

Faces are changing...

So come inside my head with me...

Let me show you around... See the spark..

Chase the fire...

Should I be afraid ...Can't blame me...

Conversation I have inside my head...

Competing to be heard... Yet no sound..

Solitude...

Only peace inside...

Fucked up... Maybe

Like me... Hurt.. Frustration

I was fine... Seemed like yesterday...

Yet stars still shine down...

World still goes slowly by... Future still rolls on by...

You think I'm ok... I have no answer..

Wish I wasn't here.. Need to be there...

This road is going nowhere..

Shoes are worn through..

Seems dark where I've been..

Anywhere but here.. Wish I was anywhere but here..

I hear the footsteps behind...

Don't they ever pass me...

Then again may mean nothing...

Fade the lights .. Dim the sound.. I need this emptiness .. 

Leave me be with the thoughts of you...

I Love you.. Hurt you..

Now I need you..

Where do I find you... Lost yourself cause of me..

I tried to find you.. Show you I care..

Your gone and I don't know where..............