On meeting all types....

Ever just chatted aimlessly?

I do, I chat to strangers... I wonder about their stories...

Their hopes, ambitions..

Crazy to think we all have the same hopes and inspirations...

We all want more.... More than this life has offered...

When will it be enough?

Will it ever be enough?

I hope I see the day.. I want to wake up and say... Wow, I have enough... I don't need more...

You?

Forgotten

I got up this morning...

Thought about you...

I had forgotten you... Sad...

But then sadness is my friend...

Who can forget sadness?

Who's actually the servant?

So you say I'm your best friend?

Hmmm.. Ponder this..

I have never made you coffee..

I have never served you a meal...

I have never scratched your stomache...

My list is long.....

Ponder this if you will....

You serve me my food...

You wash me...

You walk me...

You keep me amused...

You... You... You...

Now tell me "Who is the servant?"

P.S. Thanx for me not having to clean-up after you ... hehe

Puppy

I call you my "Puppy"...

To me you are....

But,alas you're growing now, filling the space you claimed in the world...

Elevating yourself everyday...

Consuming knowledge as you grow in height and mind...

You hungrily consume words... Consume every morsel...

Your hunger ...Thirst is @ it's peek...

Learn well my "Puppy"... Learn well..

I see it in you the want to impart what I have taught you...

See the glint in your eye as you remember words I spoke...

See your every action mimicing that which you have learned...

Now pass the knowledge down...

Practice your justices, knowledge and love...

As oneday you to will be the educator...

You to will have the spark in your eye as I do when I look at You...

Love ..... Love Leah as I have shown you,and you too shall wear the pride I wear...

You too my "Puppy" shall hold your head high and smile my smile...

Take your "Puppy" and smile my smile...

Tangled up in You

You lay yourself bare in front of me...

I see your torment..

Witness with my eyes the scars..

But it's those deep within that elude me..

Hidden from my sight...

Cloaked by your beauty...

It's these I seek....

It's these I feel close to...

It's these I do not know...

Yet I'm tangled up in you...

A gift if You will...

She took my trust and my heart, ripped it up, and put it in a beautiful package saying:

Return to Sender!

Oh sweet joy. . .

As I got my package I ripped it open and I was so excited as I opened the box. . .

I screamed then saying "ah, my favourite gift!!!!

Disappointment!"

Here we go baby. . .

Here is your own gift my love. . .

A free 100% complimentary. . .

Personal. . .

Fuck you!

Hope you appreciate the time and effort it took for me to wrap it!!!

Along with the package containing my love and trust...

There is a sealed envelope...

Could it contain my self respect?

I am afraid to open it...

I have grown so used to living without it. Ah, but to think of how it would feel...

She cared?

As I lay there dying....

Carefully she steps around me... She does'nt want to get any of my ripped out insides on her unremarkable shoes......

Me......

Alone, but not lonely...

Lacking, but not wanting...

I sit here bathed in darkness listening to profound music...

Feeling subdued as I wallow in morbid happiness...

Welcoming the light it brings...

Sighing despondantly...

"My inspiration has run dry"

State of mind...

As I sit here anxiously rocking it is with the fear I know...

I am breaching the delicate parameters of insanity once again...

To my Angel

Before an ugly wench called Jealousy massacred our bond..

I could still feel the eternity of longing and still feel the gratitude for what I had..

You set my world alight...However briefly

I will never forget You...

Your grace flutters on through my heart like a wounded butterfly...

Blossoming hope where hate simmers...

I will respect your memory for eternity....

... Words....

We had them....

We shared them...

You promised them....

Then nothing... Nothing.....

Where did they go?

Who stole them?

Please tell me they were blown by a malicious wind...

I hate to think you you stopped using them as you had none to offer....

You had words...

Now?

...... Nothing.......

"AS You wish"

You provided me with solace. Once my dignity was restored, u masterfully massacred my trust. You and your lady Envy shall walk these halls no more.

In saying this, know that you are banished from my heart. Memories so seemingly sweet twist in their grave and morph into voracious ugliness consuming all light ur presence once brought.

My love frightened you? Well, what do you make of my hate? You wear it so well my princess. It is tailor made for u. . . Designed to fit. You wished for this suit, and who was I to deny. To replicate your words: "AS YOU WISH". . . your wish my princess, was always my desire. Now, go free and taint someone else with ur sadistic fetish as I have lost my want to be a masochist for ur love. . . Pain shall phase me NO MORE

Angels... The last flight

You said wait... patience I played... drew the final card... no match... you win... please take your feathers and fly away... You asked to be free.. This was not my choice... These are my tears falling in a void ... My heartbeat still... a sigh so deep I feel i shall never breath again... Yet closure... Yet nothing.. Nothing here... Nothing inside left for you to grab hold of and squeeze ever again...
You had the chance.. You took the time to try.. Guess trying is what we do when we don't have the will to be certain we can do something... I can't fly with Angels.. Yet you can't tolerate mortals...
Good bye Cassiel... I have a picture of you... But, this time your name will fade... I will forget who the nameless Angel was people reminded me of...

This is dedicated to a woman I loved for decades... A woman I sought for years... A woman I never forgot despite loosing much of my memories... This is for a woman I was never allowed to name because scorn would be her received wrath... well... Good-bye ... I will miss those times.. I will cry those tears... But rest assured, you won't hurt me again... You go ahead and remember me as I am... Not how you wanted me to be... I can say your name at last knowing you cannot and won't erase it to your satisfaction.....

This is my last blog on Angels... they don't exist... so take peace knowing your protectors have no feathers....

New Distance...

Thank you for the friendship...
The long hours indulging in our lives... sharing..
Learning our basics...
Finding common ground...
Wondering about the other..
Will you still like me tomorrow...
Will you see more than words...
Lets close the distance and find out....

Leah....

You came early.... Very....

No they said.... No.....

She protected you as long as she could...

She almost paid the price...

You were almost lost...

You hung on... you were strong...

Today I beam.... I am proud.....

You are Leah... half of me.....

Half of my name....

You are mine.....

I am proud....

Finally my Angel has a name

I remember calling her .... There was'nt a sound to be heard.. Just my cries of her name, calling her... I so want to engage her...
Did she surcumb in battle?...These are heavy thoughts... My heart sinks..
I am aware of that familiar fragrance again... The smell I know... It is her, she is near... I search the sky, squinting through the glare ... I run, run in the direction I think the smell is leading me in...
It's then I hear a silent sobbing... I hear it, I can't see her... Where is she...
It's then I see her, sitting, head in arms... Wings covering her... those magnificent wings... Battle scarred but beautiful..." Her heavy burden of battle" are my thoughts... Does my Angel bare the battles so hard it changes her?...
I approach here cautiously... Gently... "Cassiel" I whisper... "Cassiel, oh Cassiel"... Slowly she lifts her head... Eyes searching this new sound ... She sees me,sees my lips , hears my gentle voice calling her.. asking her the core of agony.. The root of her anguish and tears...
She says with a quiver in her voice.." I have one last battle"... I search for words I don't have.. Ask her why?... Why, my battle weary Cassiel?...
She talks of unresolved conflict... A time of peace... Times of mistrust within the sacred confines... Rejected dwellers ... I try to piece together, even try relate to these words... Oh Cassiel, my Angel... how difficult it must be... How do you go on to this battle.. I bare sadness for you.. A sadness so deep I feel it's sharp edge straining against soft skin.... Yet am at peace with her battle.. After all, Cassiel is the Angel of balance.. She rules light and dark... both, bowing to her just hand...
We engage conversation of conflict and enbiterment... We confide sacred dialogues, not meant for other ears... I promise her my word and she hers...
I now have the answers I sought.. The inner peace I wanted the day I said"jot down this question".. I promised to ask this Angel should I ever meet her...
I asked her " ..will you be mine?"....
Cassiel answered " Yes, I will, Be patient as I shed my wings in battle.. It will be my last fight... Be patient.. I shall be yours"

This is the final part of this saga... I will be starting a new chapter...
Glad I could captivate a few readers..

Knowing an Angel with no name....part 2

... The story continues....
I find myself imagining, listening and wishing...
I watch for what seems like an eternity, hoping to glimpse her... Every sound prickles my senses... Every sight strains my eyes... I wish her return swift... I pray she comes past...
Has she gone to fight another battle.. Does she fight still... Does she mediate... I try to imagine this, try fixing on a scene played over and over in my head...
It's then I spot a being, not an Angel... I see no wings.. Yet the deity takes no steps, yet moves swiftly... I whisper softly, suprise myself, my tone is firm unfaultering... I feel strong for once in my life... An inner strength never before I remember..
I remember this clearly now... I ask in a good even tone.. Tell me her name... The deity is far away... I think I shall shout, maybe it does not hear... Does it need a name?
I fill my lungs, draw in the air of a hundred breaths... As I make ready to scream, a scream like a person in jeapardy. Hands cupped around mouth... Lungs bursting with air, ready, ready, ready... The deity suddenly turns round looks at me... Eyes wide... Puzzled, as if caught unaware, yet aware of me...
Then the question rang like a shot in my every being... The words almost burning... '' what of you, why do you dwell here. What is your bussiness?''...
Boldly, yet shocked I catch my own voice escaping my very soul... I hear my words ''who is she, this Angel'', ''I need to speak her name, this Angel''... The diety turns a back to me as if to shun me. As if to say '' how dare you''... But then I hear the word... A name I shall never forget... A name of an Angel... The name of my Angel...
Cassiel... Cassiel the deity says... Take her, keep her safe... She is at battle, but she is the balance... Cassiel is the tears I weep... Cassiel is her name...
Remembering my lungs now burning, full as never before... I scream her name... Scream it with my soul... Scream it with pride...

Knowing an Angel with no name....

I see you face... It beams, a smile so bright I squint at it's brilliance...
A skin like fresh almond, soft and gentle... Yet it permiates the air around me... A fragrance I don't know... Your eyes they have the depth I am unfamiliar with... A depth I wish to explore... You hide them from the harsh world... Afraid they might give away the secrets that make you an Angel...
In my head I turn you slowly. Take in the site before me... I see the scars laid bare before me... Think what awesome tales of previous battles has this Angel fought. I marvel at her standing before me... Robbed of all defenses... Could she ever tell me of how she engaged these fights... Did she win them with only these few visible wounds long healed... Only the faintest of visible scaring as inflicted by a very sharp weapon hell bent on reshaping this Angel... Or are the pale in comparison to the inner scars? These are questions I will jot down, so that one day I may ask her these...
I have tried on many occasion to engage her... Speak with her... Tell her my story... But alas, it's the tail of old .... You may and can only engage a creature of such beauty and stature if you call her name.... Ironically and with great sadness I cannot call her name... How do I? How hard is this? I cannot ask it... I do not know it... How do I find it?
My search has ended for her. Perhaps she will notice me staring and engage me... This is my only hope of communication with such an awesome creature...
All the while spinning her silent winged circuit.... Slowly she rises up above me... What splendour she has. Her beautifull wings displayed... I marvel, absorb every detail from this angle... I have to throw my head further back now to keep her in my sight... I stumble backwards, fall akwardly, roll... I try to find her as I roll.. Lost from my eyes... Frantically I flail like a woundec bird with wings damaged...
She is gone... I cannot call out... Cannot shout her name... I do not k ow her name.... To be continued

Awaiting an Angel

It's never easy... The waiting, the lonliness... I'm here at the gate, a place where Angels dwell... No sound can permiate it's wall... I jump at every creek emitted from the very tool I use to communicare with my Angel... But alas it's not her emerging... She filled in her request, bade her time... Trusted her keeper would let her go... I wait in a void, the unbearable silence... Remembering her last words.. '' I'll be ok, I love you''... I remember these words... They sound sweet as a harp's beautifull voice... I replay the melody... Hear every note... Long for the complete melody... I can only wait, bide the long and lonely hours with hope of word from my Angel... I sit in the dark now... Waiting... I sit in the dark now... Longing... My Angel I wait with baited breath... A hope of a time when there will be no dark.. No lonely hours... No missing your smile, or Angelic voice... I long to hear the whole song and feel the vibration upon my skin... The sweet melody I must have... The Angel I want it taught to me by is waiting release by her keeper...

WOW.......

Well I won't hide the fact I'm in love.... You calm me... A kind of serenity I've not felt in ages.. You brought a new light, lustre even to my dull eyes...
I've not experienced such emmotion in a long time... You are kind, gentle and yet forcefull in what you want... You flow, We flow...Yet you have the courage to show the route you want... You steer me to new destinations, a soft touch in a good direction... I enjoy the new route... And you open me to new sights, Things I knew were there. Yet never noticed..
I taste with a new vigour all you have to share... My hunger grows with each passing moment.. I thirst for more. But yet am patient for what you offer... Biding my time till I can have it all...
To you my Love I say thanx and WOW.... It is what I've missed for so long

Words I don't have.....

It's simple, well I presume it is....
I have no harsh words for you... I respect you, even envy You. Your step to command as I wait... And wait I shall, I want to wait. Need this love... Moreso, I need you..
I can offer you my heart... Offer you everthing I have... There'll be times of turmoil... Times of fun... No boubt extacy... We compliment each other being so opposite in taste...
I have a soul full of words, thoughts even pain...
But on this subject of being able to be ''us''...
I have no words ....

True friends......

I was asked to pen my thoughts on true friends...
I've had a whole day to ponder and search how would I define true friends...
We all have our own definition, our own rendition.. In my ideal world, I see it as someone who'll trust you. A person who will be there in the dead of night should you call...
They will tell you they don't agree when you're wrong ... Will applaude you when you're right... I can't define '' true friend'' in a sense of how you percieve a friendship...
My take on it leaves the door open to add the positives you get from someone you'd like to trust... Negetives bind us too... I say this as it's the norm to remember the bad and forget the good in someone... Do we think this is the scale we judge people on? I have no clear definition to offer you... No manual to teach you from in this regard..
What I do have is my own inner peace I have knowing my chosen friends are true friends.....

You are like water.....

I sit here and ponder... What do I aliken you to?... You gave me the answer...Water...

I need it, survive on it... Trust it, trust how it holds me... It washes me clean.. Quenches me... You are fluid... A torrent.. A raging storm...

We all experience the moods, We yield to her rage... Yet with calming waves she embraces me... Sets me at ease with a calming ripple. It eminates from deep within her. She casts aside her Moon ebbed splendour and engulfs me in an embrace...An embrace so soft it is af there's nothing there...

She comes to me in many ways... Hard and unforgiving... A ragging storm able to anihalate me in a heart beat... but no, she calms.... She changes... She becomes a soft vapour.... cooling my inner heat...Extinguishes the fire hate consumed...

I become aware...cool sensation of mist on my skin..the weight of it makes me aware of her standing next to me... My aparition of what was once a destructive element... and is now a beautifull vapour... A sight like the Northern Lights... Your plasma there for all to see, but mine to experience... As your mist rests on me,starting as fine droplets once again you escalate into drops into streams.....You pool together... Once again I surrender to your torrents......

Thanx to You

This is just a simple thank You...
You still enjoy the things I remember most about you... Wow, and you still make me weak at the knees...
Thank you...
You welcome us in, share your space and make us feel at ease...
Thank You...
The short naps, wow, missed that... Never imagined I would feel like that again...
I ask this.. It's a week, and it's this good!!!!
What after a month? At this rate it is gonna be one heck of a time....
Thank You, I know happiness again

Solace in Pain

My pain is the only thing that makes me feel alive.... We have a giant love affair, this emotion and I. ..With sincerity, I embrace it. Allowing it to cleanse my soul.

Angel... A friend as I saw her

... I was walking down a path. Not sure of of where I was... It was then I was aware of a presence, saw the shadow... Like a gentle wind rustling through dry leaves. Gently swaying grass on an open plain... I saw her rise, rise up on splendid wings... Saw the glistening white of her feathers, heard the soft rustling of wind through feathers... She was far away, further than I thought... Yet close enough to hear her whispers...
She was awesome to behold... Serenity... Chaos... I saw the movement, then the blur, her wing's movement. Her body serene, still and unmoved by the chaotic movement...
She was moving at me... Speeding faster than my focus allowed... Thoughts of ''inevatable collision'' clouded my thoughts... Tightly pinched eyes I await the impact... Then all is still, alight breeze hits me... A light touch startles me... An Angels lips on mine... Still, unmoving... My heart stops for that moment... Slowly I open my eyes... There she was... An image of calm... She opens her wings as if she's challenging me... Inviting me in.. Then I saw it as she turned as if carried by the wind like a feather... She reveals her stance... It was then I realised she's the chosen one... She bore the mark... A Phoenix rises from the lowest part of her back accending her glistening body... Skin so soft.. An image so vivid... Is this her power.. Does this harbour her power... As she turns her soft rotating circuit in the soft light... I notice a tear... It rolls like a liquid pearl... Dropping from the sky... I try to catch it... I fail, it falls to the ground... Lost, gone, swallowed by the soil... My heart sinks... Then I look up at her.. Sadness is gone... A beeming smile... Bright lusturous.. I see her mouth make the words... '' that was my last tear''...

Thank You for taking the time to know me

... Quotations of my most intimate thoughts carried back to me... Sweetly, making sense of my pain. With moistened eyes, you relivemy tormented years... It touches me to see that I have reached you... And without having said a word, we are bonded through our pain... Thank you for taking the time to know my troubled mind... You carry through these words, a shard of my fragmented heart....

Remembering the good in you..

I sat and thought about what it was you did that made me smile... The list grows every minute...
Yes there were times we got stuck... The times it brought stress...We had our "discussions" so to speak...
But looking back.. There was nothing you could say that was hurtfull.. Nothing you could do that'd make me feel like I had'nt felt before...
Yes those often misguided words hurt.. But heck.. I know where they came from... I know the provocation involved and what caused it,,, You my friend will always be dear and in my soul... We are always gonna be entwined... I promised that... Twisted up in you is what Aaron said remember... I will always be....

3 Words....

Hone your skilled tongue... I LOVE YOU.. please confuse me... be my friend... leave me alone... You don't understand... I hurt too.... We all have to endure those @ some stage.... These are 3 words I can learn to hate... Yet will never use one with 3 words that can hurt back... I HATE YOU... Those will never leave my heart, mouth or be penned at anyone... Please forgive me .. This I'd use.. I am sorry... comes to mind most days Place a thought out there... What do you perceive as 3 words that bare more malice than the horror of death...

Friends...

We go through our lives accompanied by them...
Mostly they fall by the way side... Not our intentions to let that happen, but happen it does..
I Lost a lot of them in the past...
Forgot to find them..
Never remembered them..
I retained thoughts of you.. Kept deep inside ..
Some I may name.. Others not..
Tywan, you taught me to be me...
C.. You changed that.. the Form was too tight.. Yet I squeezed into it hoping to fit... I never did..
But the form did it's job.. Left an impression..
Again Ty you were there..
My Angel.. You were the one memory that lingered... Kept me going for ever..
You without a name made the patch that kept my sanity from leaking out and being lost forever... You cam e back albeit with a battle still raging...
Gave me that glimmer.. you kept the light on..
To Dewalt & Michelle.. New friends... Dear friends
Two people that I put high on a pedistal.. two people with only love to share..
Two ppl I can call friends and smile knowing that they are that to me..
We made our circles bigger.. reduced it too..
Dropped those that could not hold tight in our turbulent circle ..
We stoop for our friends..
We risk our hearts.. bare our souls..
But in the end.. True friends is what we want... what we are..
One day my Angel will allow me to say her name..
I look forward to the dat, It'll be a moment in my life after decades have passed I may speak her name again..
Share the things with a world that never judges our actions...

Think about your friends in depth and take one good thought and add it to this Note...

I will start it for you....

I thought of you and I am proud to say.......................