on fixing oneself...

We don't always realise or care what others think...
We ignore the obvious..
Oblivious to the destruction we leave in our wake..
Mostly we ignore it hoping it goes away..

You asked me to fix this..

I was wrong.. out of line..
Yet the feelings I felt never faded.. never changed..
Even after you were gone the words you spoke lingered..
The love I felt I could not shake..

I sat there learning to cry..
Sat there learning to feel. .
I did this for me..
But hoped it was for us..
We all have hope..
We are allowed to dream..

We seek reality in a plastic world..
I looked there.. but now realise there is none in that space..

I could never shake the feeling..
I was stationary.. motor not broken..
Would never allow it to be...
I just could never engage the gear to drive away..
Missing my passenger..
The person I could take with on a journey..

I waited hooing you had not found another seat to fill..

meantime I closed my eyes..
found the route.. changed it..
I now reads main highway..
not alternative...
am ready for our journey...
no side roads.. just a long road to a destination..
and want you next to me..
if I stray you are there to kerp me in the right lane..
But I have gone over the route...
omitted any paths and roads that may intercept the journey...

I want to rife this road with you...

I dedicate these words and thought to someone who has the purist heart and love..
someone I hurt ..
but through it all..
someone I never stopped loving..

Close your eyes.....

Where am I...

Strange how we walk the same road...

We see the same sights..

Touch.. Feel...

But no... We never take note...

Never see the beauty before us...

Close your eyes... Name 10 things about me that stand out...

I can.. But with difficulty..

Seeing you with my eyes closed hurts...

The awe I feel.. Emptiness I'm greeted with...

I so long to have that.. Feel that..

Open my eyes and there you are..

Reach out and am greeted with the feel of you..

Your distinct smell..

The sound of your heart .. I hear.. I feel..

We can all dream of a new start...

But close your eyes..

The road is longer than the memories in my darkness...

On saying I was wrong,,,

Do we ever give in...

ever say we wrong...

Well I am.. I was wrong.. 

I hurt without knowing... 

Without intention...

It's hard to admit and harder to accept..

Yet I did it and no excuses.. No amount of Sorries will change what was done..

I can ask for forgiveness.. I know I can...

But could you try... Even once...

I take on a journey to right the wrongs..

18 years have past.. Need the clarity.. The cleansing...

Believe what you like..

Call me what you like...

Fix me I shall.. 

Does anyone know the depths of sorrow..

How one hides it.. Then the anger.. Not that anyone cared..

Some tried.. Some offered pieces.. Gave insight..

But who can see inside.. Fix inside..

Maybe easier from somebody who doesn't know me..

Someone with an outsiders objective view..

All I want is to know what happened.. Where was I before..

I don't remember ... And it's that deep sorrow that drives me forward..

But I can't slow down...

I need to find the brakes... The connection as to the cruel intent..

It's hidden now.. But can be found...

The chasm that holds the links I so sought and needed to exist..

Find them and I find me...

To you my dearest friend who sought to say I need to find them..

To you I bend in sorrow and guilt..

Forgive me is all I ask...

I will find me.. Find who I once was.. And will account for the past... Atone for the hurt...

Unchaining the past...

I met you amid the turmoil in my life..

A flame about you...

Long flowing.. Taught...

Dazzled me.. Drew me in..

Your marks supporting my suspicion ..

A Dragon.. Fire breather.. Stunning..

Yet in the depths of the fire the soft core..

The hardened exterior.. A heart like silk..

One that had seen battle and taken every possible blow..

I got to know that heart.. Felt it.. Held it... Never squeezed ...

Little by little I got to know you..

Not every detail..

You fought bravely.. 

Never giving up.. Never will..

You shimmer.. your brilliance illuminates my smile.. 

I remember your details.. Trace those lines.. 

Smile at every instance..

Cry at betrayal..

Cry for harshness..

Scorn because of frustration..

Often lay awake and wonder at how.. Where..

How do I justify... I can't

Where do I start.. 

You seen it all.. Had it all.. Experienced it..

How does a human love one such as you

You say we are different..

No denying.. We are

Stubborn .. We all are.. It is who we are..

This is the start of a series I am working on...

Radiance of the Fire Dragon ...

I will write this plainly now...

The depth will follow

I was deaf and never saw...

How do I fix this...
The hurt.. the pain...

Self loathing for events...

I never took the time..
I was too self absorbed...
Your words unheard..
Pain unseen..

Life events happen..
Don't judge too quick...

History does not always repeat itself...

Hearts got broken..For this I am sorry..
I hang my head in shame..
I cannot change this.. It happened...
Forgive not forget...Yes..

I know I substitute for being lonely...
This I did..
I can't explain.. There are no words..

I can't feel empty..
I feel the crush...
Yours I know is greater...
But past it is... And past it went...

I go down on my knees and cry... tears... pain...Flooding..

I feel no peace...

Just deep silence... my soul... my heart... Gone... gone ... gone

My next blogs will be moving... A tale to the sadness... Meeting the dragon...

It's just me

I'm not very good at paying attention...

Not very good at remembering things you say....

I'm not very good at pursuing  redemption..

Not very good at concealing the hand that I play...

Always been the way I am...

I'll never change..

Not again...

I was never this way...

Circumstances.. Fate... Readjusted me...

I lost the ability... Was taught... Cruel ..twisted... 

Why reprogram me .. Mold me... 

This wasn't me..

I don't remember me..

Don't remember you... Tears don't hold memories... Sadness yes...

Lost you.. The memories.. Tormented.. Haunted...

Maybe I blocked you out.. Hid.. 

I look now and it's gone... Miss you so much... 

We lost.. You lost... Gone... And time has stolen the last of you...

Now I'm just trying to get to you...

Failing... Can't find you ... Gone...

One thought... One word..

Who decided you had to fly away...

Now my memory is gone... Or just misplaced 

Searching... Will find me too..

Who knows... Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place

... I write this as I feel it.. Has been years of trying to find lost memories.. Clutching an ember and waiting for the fire.. The warmth that may hold the missing pieces.. I lost a lot.. But the worst is the ability to retain thoughts.. Remember instances...

I'm sorry you don't understand the effect and see it differently.. 

I always said sorry, cause I was at that moment..

Forgive me ... Just needed reminding.. 

Understanding where I went wrong...

Read your words...
Felt the pain... Saw the hurt..
None meant.. Was fighting...
Fighting to keep you.. Hurt you..

I was wrong... God Lisa how wrong...

You showed me.. I read it..
Cried... Cried ... Cried
Your beautiful face I remember...
But the tears I caused... The loud noise.. My fault...
All I wanted was you...
Was fighting for you...
Not at you..
Would choose to do it beside you... Never ... Never... Never at you..
No malice... No hurt..
I would protect you... Not hurt you

I hang my head in shame...
Bow to you so you don't see my eyes...
See the pain... Remorse... Never see my tears... They burn like acid... I will never let them burn you...

Love you... Miss you... No hate... Nothing... Nothing ... Nothing...